Hello there! =)

Today is the happiest that I have been in a while. I had a good sleep even if I slept at 3 AM and woke up at 9AM. Beautiful and happy dreams were there too and I can remember snippets of it. I am so happy. =)  

EXTREMELY OVERJOYED and THANKFUL (for technology: i.e. WEBCAM/SKYPE)

I'll see you later! ^_^

-Andrea-

I GOT APPROVAL TO TAKE CALCULUS I INSTEAD OF MATH 121!! WOHOOOOO!

Happy day! I am happy today because I got an email from Mr.Diaz saying that he will give me an approval to register for CALC I this coming fall. That news really made my day. There is not a lot for me to say today so I am stopping right here!

Hello there! 

-Andrea-

Monday serves as a fresh start to everything.

Good morning Monday! Today I am going to my first official college class and I can't tell you how much excited I am right now. I am eager to start this class and begin my academic career with a good foundation. Hopefully, I can bump this course 2 levels up. Anyway, I am really going to stick to this routine everyday and keep up with it. I walk/jog everyday and today I will start writing down everything I eat and drink. This diet is not only for losing weight but for health reasons also. I am from a family with history of diabetes, cancer, and different heart diseases so I have to take good care of myself. I am also going to have another blood test this week to see if I have one of those "family sickness". By the way, there should be less internet activities from now on. I must read more books to maintain articulateness all through out. I am also going to pack my pocket dictionary on my book bag always so I could check out the words I am not familiar with when I encounter them. I need to really make a good impression on my professors and peers. Johns Hopkins University is waiting for me and I cannot disappoint them. I have so many plans, yet very little time to accomplish them. I am not going to give up. Starting today, everyday should be treated equally with my A game on all the time. Test, quizzes, recitation and other activities should also be treated carefully. I need my perfect GPA and attendance in addition to my extracurricular activities like the FIA, American Cancer Society and hospital volunteer work.  

With all of these things that I have to do and accomplish, I hope that I can still find time to have fun. I am not saying that I wont have fun while doing these things, but having time with friends and family is also a must. Speaking of family, I think we are flying back to the Philippines for spring break next year. 

Plans for 2010: (leisure)

I hope I can save up enough money to watch even just one game for each of Portugal and Spain's matches. 

I HAVE A LOT OF PLANS FOR THE FUTURE. I HOPE IT ALL GOES WELL.

-Andrea-

I cannot wait for tomorrow! I am volunteering for American Cancer Society and I will get to meet little children that will inspire me to become better. They will inspire me because they have fought and worked hard against the pain and sufferings. Just like them I want to be able to fight on the sidelines. Cancer has taken so many of my loved ones and I want to know how it feels to fight it by supporting the ones that has it. In my own little way I want to be a part of their battle and help them win it. I also want to make those little children happy. I have always liked kids and that is why I will become a pediatric neurosurgeon. I want to devote my time on helping them. I want to be their saviour but not brag about it. My dream is to become just like Ben Carson. I would offer everything that I can to help. If I can elaborate on what kind of help, I would say that I want to be that person that will cure the pain for them. Recently, I have read two books that relates to cancer. I have read the book written by Randy Pausch called The Last Lecture and the novel My Sisters Keeper. Both of these books dealt with fighting cancer. On the book The Last Lecture, Randy Pausch told his story about how he fought it and stayed alive longer than his "quota" because he loves his family so dearly that he will not leave them without something that remind them of his eternal sacrifice and love. He battled pancreatic cancer longer than expected and he was able to deliver his last lecture. He showed the most memorable pictures and experiences to the 400 plus crowd that came to see him. It was one of the books I have read that really moved me. It hurts to know that his children will grow without him. This is one of the reasons too why I wanted to volunteer. Not all of the people at the event tomorrow are cancer victims, but they are the family and friends of the ones that has lost their battle. I want to continue their battle with those loved ones that were left because I, too, is a friend and family of someone that lost a battle. 

Monday will be my first day to go to a real college class. I am taking my MATH course this summer so I can go ahead and take the next level course for it. I am excited for my Fall classes too. I am ecstatic about walking around the campus. It is just sad that I have to take a bus and a long train ride just to get to and from the university. Anyway, I want to mention again that I have met new people from my orientation and I want to see them soon! 

I am really excited about so many things right now.

-Andrea-

It is currently 73 degrees Fahrenheit here in Chicago. Summer is looking good and I can't wait for my summer class to start. First of, I have a good schedule and it looks like I am going to get a job soon ( thanks to my mother's friend). Right now I am just waiting for some calls, hopefully I get to work  2 jobs so that I could save enough for the first semester tuition fee. I am lucky to have friends that took the same classes that I will be taking because they will be giving me their old books. Hopefully, the professors will assign us the same edition books because if not, then I would need to buy new ones. In the fall, my friend Sergio will hook me up with a campus job that will help build my resume and future med school application since it is a Neuroscience lab and it will also serve as work-study for me. Anyway, I have to start practicing calculus again so I can be ready for the Fall term classes. I am gonna read my Psychology book too just for fun. Actually, I am planning to read as much textbooks and sci-fi books that I can to broaden my knowledge and vocabulary skills. I admit that I am not a smart person but I try my hardest with everything that I do academically and for work. I would make my parents proud of me.  I think that is it for now. I have to shower now! It is so hot in here! AC doesn't cut it at all!

K, after showering I'm gonna hit the books!

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

-Andrea-

New acquaintances

It's Saturday today, the 20th of June. How fast time flew after graduation. I still have no luck in finding any kind of job and I am getting very frustrated. I hope someone calls me as soon as possible because I have to save up for college. Speaking of college, yesterday and the day before was very fun but exhausting. We had our orientation on those days and we slept over at the dormitory with our future classmates and schoolmates. It was really fun. I thought I did not want to mingle with new people, but I met a couple of them I want to hang out with as soon as we start our Fall term classes. Our group was composed of all Honors College students and I thought that we would all be just nerds but I was wrong. We went to Club Inferno ( which was really lame but had a good time just hanging out) and danced a bit. I also want to share that I came across a nice person and I think we will be really good friends. His name is Elias and he is Greek. He is a very nice person, at least that is my impression of him. We talked and I found out some cool things about him and it made me think that he is a person to respect since he is very polite and respectful of me, too. I shared a room with Nienke for that one night stay at the dormitory. She is really cool! She taught me some words in dutch. Blimey, she speaks a couple of languages aside from Dutch and English. We had a very insightful conversation sans the girly part. In the middle of our conversation the alarm went off and we rushed outside the room. I grabbed my wallet, phone, and this baby of course. It turned out to be just a false alarm due to the reconstruction of some parts of the building and so we all went back to our rooms. It was raining really hard that night and there was thunder and lightning. I was really scared to sleep so Nienke and I were up until 2 AM. The next day I was complaining of a back pain and exhaustion just like everybody else. We all met at our leader's lounge and head out to the lecture centers. The lectures were so boring we were falling asleep! Nevertheless, when the orientation ended, we all made new friends and expected to see each other again very soon. I can't wait for school to start and be officially a college student. Our Honors College group is pretty small and I am sure we will all see each other at our enormously huge campus. From my other post, I think I will take back what I said. I want to live in the dormitory now. I think I am missing a lot if I don't. Hopefully, there is a spot left. 

I am reading a new book/autobiography of Randy Pausch called The Last Lecture. He wrote this after he was diagnosed of pancreatic cancer. I will write more about this when I finish it.  I am tired now so I will stop here.

COLLEGE.... I JUST CAN'T WAIT ANYMORE. 

-Andrea-

Gone were the days.....

Yesterday I was planning to just sleep all day and relax, but I am glad that I didn't. My sister and I decided to do a total make over for our room. Our old room looked so shabby compared to our room right now. This is probably the first time I am gonna say that I am happy I am not going to live on campus at UIC. This room so much lovelier and homey. I love the feel and the look our room now has. It is beautifully green, a bit more spacious, full of books, and the best part was our mirror ( tocador in Tagalog). We decorated our mirror with a black fairy's wings and placed it right on the middle of the mirror's top part. It looks so pretty up there! Our room is also, of course because of my sister, full of Twilight fan posters. It is so organized here now. I wonder until when it's gonna stay like this. In front of me right now are my old text books and AP prep books. I miss school already because of these books. I cannot wait for the fall. Anyway, my sister and I never bonded like we did yesterday. We really helped each other cleaning and beautifying our room. To tell you the truth, we did not yell at each other yesterday. Not yelling at each other, for my sister and I, well it is quite abnormal since we do it on a daily basis. I am just happy she was calm and less crabby yesterday. We finished cleaning at around 9 PM and ate dinner right after. We all ate together and had a good laugh about the old times. When I say old times, those were the days when we were all back in the Philippines joking and laughing about my uncle Joel's stories specially when there is a power outage in our subdivision or when it is during the Holy Week ( these things my late grandfather hated because we tend to be so noisy). I miss those days so much! I also found some old pictures of me from my high school days in the Philippines. Back then, I was so much skinnier! In those pictures were so many memories. For one, I found my sophomore class picture. I was really skinny and we were all still considered little girls. Unfortunately, I have no scanner to use so I can post the pics here: it would have been better with the picture posted here. Sigh. I am just going to use those pictures as my motivation to lose weight. I also found more pictures from 3 or 4 years ago. I had so much more pimples and blemishes all over my face. I looked like a PIMPLE with a FACE in those pictures. I am just so glad they are almost gone now. I have about 4 left. Haha! Although, I am still not satisfied. Anyway, finding those pictures brought back so many memories to me. Maybe, when I get back to the Philippines, I am gonna bring all of our old pics. No. I will really bring them back here in Chicago.

Ok, so now off to other stuff.

I started my day right today. I woke up at 8 AM sharp. Oh how good it feels that I have slept a full 8 hour after being an insomniac for a couple of weeks. When school was only 2 weeks away from ending, I never had a good night sleep or should I say a full 8 hour sleep. I have always slept so late and woke up so early. When school ended, I still had the same sleeping pattern and it was so hard to adjust. It even got worse. I wake up early, sleep a bit in the afternoon, be up until 11 PM, took an hour nap, and stayed up from 12 AM until 5 AM. Mind you, it was really that bad. Yesterday after cleaning the entire room and half of the apartment, I felt so tired and so after showering, I fell asleep immediately ( well after I painted my nails. Haha!) Like I said, I woke up at 8 AM sharp. I pour myself some Cheerios with skim milk and had a whole glass of water. I am going to drink 8 or more glasses of water everyday and eat right. I am also planning to stay with my routine of doing just cardio every other day and running outside with a raincoat. Yes, I said raincoat. This is how I did it when I was trying to lose weight fast for a tournament in Taekwondo in the Philippines. I am just so sure it will work again. I will avoid so much meat and sweets. No other drinks than water ( except for some occasional Vodka with my friends.. say what you wanna say but I don't care. Vodka helps me forget and my parents are ok with vodka. Haha!) I saw that one egg face mask online, so maybe I will try doing that too. Total body and skin make over before college! Woohoo! I forgot to mention reading as a part of my routine, and of course cleaning our beautiful room. Ok, this entry is getting too long now. I have to say good bye. =)

AnnieTakeItEasy is really taking it easy now. ..... Au revoir

P.S I hope I can add a job to that routine soon. 

Letter to a dear friend

Updating everyday I see? Ok, so it's currently 2:45 am and I am so wide awake. I think I had a good nap, but not a dreamless one. Anyway, part of the reason why I can't sleep right now is this one special person to me. Nope, it's not Paul this time. It's my other close friend Mei. I want to take this time to talk to her here on my blog. I don't think she'll ever read this, but still I am going to write anyway. So here it goes....

Hi Mei,

I saw you through Skype today when I was on the webcam with Ate Ira. It was nice seeing you, though my heart dropped a thousand feet of off my chest when I saw you. Somebody rang the doorbell and I knew it would be you. I said hi but you did not respond... it's ok. I guess you are still mad at me. I respect whatever you are feeling at this moment. Time will come and we will be able to talk normally again. I miss you a lot. I miss talking to you because I could tell you anything and everything under the sun. Perhaps, me telling you everything was the problem. What do you think? Maybe because there wasn't any restriction on the things that I tell you every time we talk? If that was one of the reasons, I am sorry. The way I speak on MSN is so different from how I speak in real life. I was never the arrogant person, maybe proud is the word. If you understand me that way, then that is fine. There is no more sense if I brought up what misunderstanding we had back then. I just need my Bessy back. Anyway, I don't want this to be long. I wish you good luck with everything you are planning to do. I read in your blog that you've decided to be a nurse. That is a good profession even if I have bashed the idea of me becoming a nurse so many times before just because I didn't want to become one. Take care always. I hope you have a great summer. Have fun and chill with people now that you are temporarily free from school.

Love,

Andrea

P.S I think there is a new Danielle  Steel book coming out or it came out already. 

Hey! I am actually writing more than usual! Wow... maybe this is what boredom does to me. I just remembered having a strange dream. I told some of my friends about this and they laughed at the idea of my dream. It was about my AP Calculus teacher, Mr. Nguyen. He was, as usual, teaching calculus and I was there, when suddenly a gunman came inside our room and yelled something I don't really remember. All I can recall was that he took Mr. Nguyen as a hostage and made all of the students stand on one side of the classroom. This was the coolest dream ever! I get to say something and I actually recall what I said. I told the gunman to point his gun down or he will regret ever setting foot on our classroom cause I will kill him. I tried to negotiate ( which was funny cause I already threatened him) and make him release our teacher. He followed but then he went crazy again and pointed the gun at Mr. Nguyen again. So I did my thing and jumped him. I grabbed his arms immediately and bent it upwards so the bones crack which will make him drop his gun. He dropped the gun and I karate chopped him again! Whoa! I felt so proud and then I continued to beat him up. By the time the cops came inside, the gunman was already tied up. Hahah! I felt so cool in that dream! So funny when I was trying to re- enact it to my friends during division. I can't wait to see my lovely Pinay's again tomorrow! We planned to bake and hangout at my crib. Maybe watch movies and then play water balloon fighting at the park. I wish my summer will be fun. I am also waiting for a call from the places where I applied. Money is so tight right now. Darn mula's! I wasn't too homesick today. I talked to my old friends from the Philippines and somehow it helped me get better. Working out got my mind off of some things that has been bothering me lately. Hopefully it gets better and better. I want to see sunshine! Chicago weather MUST be better in the coming days. 

I long for sunshineeeee! SUN come to me! =)

Heaven is overrated. Goodnight!

He failed me once again. Yet, I am here telling myself that it's alright. He probably got home exhausted from work and forgot he told me we'd talk tonight. Blah, I'll live. Oh repressed memories, here they go again. Ah, maybe I should start writing about my recollection down memory lane of some other things to lift the mood. Okay, where should I start.... hmmm. Ah! This morning I was talking to my dad and sister about the things we remember while we were vacationing in Japan. My dad asked me about what I remembered the most. I told him that the most that I can remember were the kind of ramen noodles that I ate at this now defunct mall called Jasco. We used to eat noodles and tonkatsu at that place and it was so delicious! I will never forget how it tasted and looked. In my head right now I can see the whole place. Thus, it will take a while before I can come back and visit those very places where I have been when I was there. I miss being a child, too. I was treated like a princess when I was there. My dad's coworkers are just so nice. They give me everything that I wanted and granted my every wish. It was so fun! I wish to go back soon. Anyway, my sister said that she could not remember so much about it and we understand because she was so young back then. My sister and I have a 4 year gap with our age. When we visited my dad, my sister will always ask who he was because she does not recognize him. My dad left to work back in Japan when my sister was still little so every time she sees him, she asks us who he is. It was funny actually, when my sister finally recognizes him, she crumbles more on my mother's chest. She didn't want to let go at all. My sister is more of a cry baby and moody when we were young. I think we switched places cause I used to be not so moody and I do not cry so much. I do now. I miss Japan a lot. There was so many happy memories from that place. I wish I can only remember my happiest memories and forget sad ones. I do not want to have recollections of those memories that left me in a kind of pain so hurtful that I do not want to remember. Shifting to other topics, my mother told me that high school is where memories are most valued. I think that was wrong. My high school days are over an I don't feel like there were so many memories made back then. All I did when I was in high school was to study and work so much that I forgot to have fun. Only this senior year in high school did I have fun and started hanging out with most of the people I know. I hope that it's not yet too late for me to start and make fresh memories that I will be happy to remember one day and have a good hearty laugh about it. 

I am currently listening to Train right now. They have a lot of good songs. 

I still miss you. Goodnight Paul

I feel like writing again. By the way, I just finished watching Lovers in Paris. It was so funny to watch it over again since I knew the ending plus the fact that I didn't like how it ended. It was still such a nice love story, though. The whole story was touching and it made me cry buckets again. It inspired me to write a sentimental note like this. Funny how someone left me a message on Facebook right when I was watching that part where I suddenly thought of him. I asked him if he just came home from work. He said he was about to sleep in 5 minutes because he has to work early tomorrow. He said that he will be home early tomorrow so he should be online again. I asked for us to talk and have a real conversation. I missed him a lot but I don't know why i do. Sometimes I will be just fine doing my own thing and getting myself busy with schoolwork. Now that school is over for me (high school), I have nothing else to do but read the new books that my dad bought for me. Still, even with that to "confuse" me for a little while, I still cannot stop thinking of him. I guess, if I may say it again, I miss him so much because he was, and still is, my biggest WHAT IF. He was neither just a friend, or somebody more than a friend. I am stuck on him. I even had the weirdest thought that someday I know he will end up with me. It sounds so stalker-ish and scary but truth be told, I am only one hopeless romantic. Like Vivienne in Lovers In Paris. She is so courageous and strong. She kept it all inside her and gave up things to be with the one she loves. I would do the same if he asks me to. Well, maybe not give everything up, but most of it, I will. What am I suppose to do? It has been a while and seems like I am so desperate. Maybe I am desperate. There were so many of my friends that told me I should forget, but I just can't do it like how easy they said it. It is so painful when those days for longing comes specially when I am by myself. When a certain music plays, or the same name that he has gets heard by me, I just freeze in silence and reminisce about what little memories I had with him. Those little memories are the things that helps me keep my head up. Tell you what, I always look at whatever few pictures we had and the funny birthday video Charmaine recorded when I surprised him with his first home-baked cake that I specially made for him. Those times were fun. I wish for more memories with him. Sometimes I just feel like flying to Brampton so unexpectedly just to ask him if we could walk around the neighborhood and along the streets once again. I just like the feeling of being near him. He smells good, he is so tall, and I feel really safe and secure when I am with him. He is that one guy I would trust my life with. I just hope that it was just like yesterday when we started talking. He was sweeter, nicer, more likable I should say, fun and cooler to talk to. If it was better to have had him only as a stranger to me, I wouldn't mind just as long as I could talk to him again as freely as I did before. I want to be able to share the best and worst things with him. I want to know how he feels. I want him to tell me if he ate good lunch. I want to know what makes him smile. I want to be the one that will make him smile. I want to hear him call me Babe again. I miss it so much. I miss him so much. Paul, I miss you very very much. If starting off as friends and me not assuming anything, who knows what I would give for all of that. Tonight, I cried tons of tears because of the Korean drama that I watched, but half of the time I was imagining how hurtful it was not to see you and for someone else to be with you. I wont call it stupidity and ambiguous imagination anymore. I just really miss you like what I have always told you. I just do... for all of the weirdest things, for all of the funniest memories , and for all of the saddest reasons. A woman shouldn't say that she will wait for the guy, but I will until you tell me to stop. I'll wait until you realize I am hurt, full of guilt, and still wondering what could have been or would be if you just come to me.. If in a decade we meet again, what would are reactions be? A decade... it wont be too long.

I am going to read my book now. Tomorrow night, I hope that we can talk. You told me you will be home early and you would go online. Pathetic as it may sound, online messaging is the only way I could reach you. I am happy with that one last thing... at least there is something left. 

 

Shut me out completely, 
That would not be such a sin.
Lock up every entry, 
Make sure that there’s no way for me to get in
Won’t try to pry them open, 
Never mind knock upon your doors.
Truth is that there’s no reason for me to even see your face anymore.

But I need your ears and I need them now I’ve got something to say, 
I’m not here today to win you back just to remind you that.

Sure as the rain starts to fall, 
Yes I’ll always remember you dear.
And though we don’t talk anymore. 
I was crazy for you; yes I was crazy for you, that’s for sure. 

Nothings ever easy, I think we both know that it’s true.
I was convinced you loved me, and I was pretty sure that I loved you too, 
When was our final moment whats your favourite might have beens. 
When was my fatal error that changed the way you thought of me ever since. 

Cos I made you smile and I made you laugh, i made nice gestures and surprised you enough?
But I made you come, but I made you cry, 
I wish this was true but I’m not gonna lie. 

So sure as the rain starts to fall, 
Yes I’ll always remember you close
And though we don’t touch anymore. 
I was crazy for you; I’m still crazy for you, that’s for sure. 
Still crazy for you, still crazy for you, still crazy for you 

Goodnight Paul

I am back! So soon isn't it? It is 1:36 in the morning and I am still up and jumping! I think I took a really long nap which makes it not a nap anymore. HAHAH! Right now I am watching You Changed My Life with Sara and John Lloyd. It is such a funny movie and nakaka kilig too! Anyway, tomorrow is graduation and high school life is done. When I think about how it is going to be in college, I often wonder how I am going to be able to make it. I feel like I cannot do it because I want to be alone when I finally start my classes. I just do not want to be attached to anyone. I want to transfer right after this year to Johns Hopkins. I just watched a movie about Ben Carson, the best pediatric neurosurgeon in the world. He has performed 100 surgeries on children. I wish to be just like him or even better than him. Moving on, I am sooo excited! I just cannot hide it! For the millionth time, I am psyched to graduate tomorrow! It seems like it was just yesterday when I came here and now I am finally graduating. I thought I kept so much to myself before, but now, I think I have become more approachable and better at speaking to people. i used to just grunt, nod, and shake my head when someone asks me something. Now I can talk and explain! I am going to miss my Pinay Chikkas! We had our differences but then like what Neeks said, at the end of the day we just loved each other more. i hope for this next school year to be better. I want to have straight A's this year! If Johns Hopkins is not possible this year, then it will be for next year! Positive aura come to meeeee! Thank you Lord for all the blessings. I don't always go to church but I pray and I talk to you conscientiously and spiritually!

Adios for now!

Nobody reads my blog anyway so I am just gonna pour in everything.

It has almost been a month since I wrote something here. I was busy doing things here and there that this is the only time I am updating my blog. Prom was last Friday and all of us had a blast. It was really fun, mind you, it really was. Although, that kind of fun did not stop me from feeling that certain nostalgia of missing Paul. I just cannot make it out of myself on why I cannot forget him no matter what I do or who I am with. It is just that every time I look at my prom date all I can picture was Paul's face. I cannot stop wishing it was him that I was with. I have said so many times, I am "finally" moving on and forgetting him would be easy as a breeze. No. I could not forget him, I just can't but I do not know why. My wishful thinking has reached beyond its capacity and I think I am getting delusional. I feel pathetic and sorry for myself. I know I can do better than this, but I am so much in denial about the truth. ANDREA WAKE UP CAUSE ITS OVER! IN FACT THERE WAS NOTHING FROM THE START! I daydream that one day he will come and surprise me by telling me that he will never leave and that he will just stay here with me. At this point of time, I wish that I am a colder kind of person. I wish I was the one that could just care less about the world and beyond so that I wont hurt like this. The audacity of reality just doesn't dawn on me quite fervently. If I would make myself delete all the pictures we had, I am just gonna make a fool out of myself because I know that all of my files here on my laptop can be recovered as fast as I have deleted them. I do not want to be hypocritical and so I would much rather just keep them, but at times when I miss the old times, I go back and flicker thru those happy pictures or at least the pretend happy pictures. Is it not ridiculous? Someone told me that when I meet another guy, maybe even better, as tall, or having greener colored eyes, I will "change" emotions in a snap. True that that may happen, but right now it seems so impossible. I came home feeling alright, then right when I sat down to check mails, I just felt that depression pang again. I was alone in the house and so I guess I just felt lonely. I tried sleeping it off, but when I woke up it was all the same. I tried working out cause then maybe I will forget, again, I failed. I have no idea to whom should I share what I am feeling right now. I am scared of judgements and unfair imposes. I am graduating on Friday and after that the bigger world will open its doors on me. If I continue to be like this, my survival does not stand a chance. I hope for the better things.


As much as I want to forget you... I just can't.

Life Anew

It feels good to walk outside today. I jogged, walked, and ran in intervals for a whole hour. As I did my routine at the park, I also took time to notice the beautiful weather and the faces of the passersby. There are all sorts of differences that I have witnessed for every step that I took while I was out running/jogging/walking. I thought about what goes on inside their minds. It might be that they also have problems so they are out to unwind, but moreover, I knew that they are out at the park to release stress and be relaxed for once. I realized ( for the millionth time, but finally fully acknowledging) that I should not shoulder all the problems in the world, or my world. There are so many things I should be thankful for, so many things I should appreciate and embrace, yet, I am sulking in my room for the past couple of months just staring on this computer screen. Pathetic, is it not? Well, until recently when a special friend tagged me on her note did I awoke from a long fantasy-filled dream where all of my wishes came true. It is now finally over. I am moving on. This is it. I am done waiting. I am done contemplating. I am done self-pitying. I am done! Moving on with life is so much better than getting stuck with the past that might have been all pretensions of whatsoever. My future seems to be brightening up and highlighting that, today I was interviewed for the UIC Honors College. I hope I get admitted because it will change the course of the road I am taking right now. I am indecisive, I admit, about where to go for my second year of college. I thought about just transferring to a better school after freshman year but then if I get in to this Honors College then i would not need to. Anyway, when it comes to my much anticipated summer, I think I will be having two jobs; one for the day and one for the night. I have to help out with the expenses at home. I am no longer dependent. I am now INDEPENDENT. I am so much HAPPIER!

I have to go now. I just wanted to write the present events occurring.

-I feel good-

Embracing the changes seems hard, is it not? Well, for me it is. So many times I have asked myself about how come no matter how much I tell myself that I cannot let this or that happen, it still happens. I have no control of it whatsoever. Complains should have no place in my thoughts as I am already lucky to be alive with families and friends that loves me and cares for me. What else do I need? What else should I want? NOTHING! How much I would give just to be able to feel less, or if not, maybe just become little thick skinned. I am very emotional and I guess being like this is the reason for so many dramas in my life. It should not be like that. I must be happy with what I have. I will start today. =)

...:::... AP exams are coming and I have been reviewing ever since. I feel confident on getting a good score for Chemistry but the rest, God knows. I guess I can get a decent score for English Lit. and Human Geo. but Calculus and Physics are kind of hard to predict. When this is over, it will be so much better. Two weeks from now will be a breeze and then it is time for prom and graduation. I will surely miss my closest friends from high school. I hope that college will be so much better. I would love to meet new people and be able to adjust as well as become a little bit more sociable and not tend to only socialize with people I already know.

...:::... Anyway, yesterday night I had a chance to talk to an old friend a.k.a childhood crush Rem. I felt good reminiscing with him about the fun things we did back when we were kids. I am 19 ( almost) and he is turning 20 soon. How fast time flew and it just makes me realize that distance really does make the heart go fonder not ponder. ( this quote is a little confusing so I will explain later) I missed him so much and he said he is the same. He even thought I looked prettier. WOW. I blushed so much when he said that. I wish he could be here or that I could be over there. I just miss everybody in the Philippines. I hope I can go back in December.


Quote time!

" Distance makes the heart go FONDER."
- My interpretation for this is that when you part with someone significant in your life, you will miss them and cherish every moment you had with them. While you and that someone are apart from each other, your feelings does not change at all. Thus, it remains the same or better. As an example, Rem and I made up for the lost time by talking for hours last night and it was not enough, although, we surely did miss each other.

" Distance makes the heart go PONDER."
- Now this makes the difference. To ponder means to think, contemplate, to look within... People growing apart from each other are perfect examples for this. I cannot explain more.. It hurts me cause I fall in this quote category,if I may say.


But, as my life goes on, challenges will come and I know I will face each and ever single one with my chin up. I will fight it.

-Andrea-

KUYA JON! C-Bizkit Bro! YOU INSPIRE ME SO MUCH! this "notitle" note is from you and it is so touching! <3
Goodluck finding her! =)

Another morning, another year, another beginning, another you
Another excuse to face your fears, another heartwarming adieu
Another bittersweet romance, another scarring loss
Another day, another chance, another benefit exchanged from costs
Another night, another date, another nostalgic memory
Another fight, another wake, another moment in reverie

And perhaps in some other time, we'll meet each other once again
You and I will be reborn and hope to find another life to end
But for now enjoy this moment, wrapped in carnal winter scars
Let's sew the wounds back together, riding in forever's car
And if being on your own meant more than what I missed
Let's bind ourselves back together, and spend eternity in bliss

What does it mean to really care about someone? I learned this before, but I seemed to have forgotten.

But I remember now. It isn't necessarily what you want or what makes you feel good, or what they can do for you or what you do for them, but it's is wanting what's best for the other person. Putting yourself on the line for the sake of another. Even if it hurts you, you do what's best for the other person. Simply put- Self-Sacrifice.

My stand on what I believe is best for me, I've...never staggered from it, despite all this time and the let-down. The way I believe in it, just..stands, even if I've fallen.

You deserve the world. I'm sorry I couldn't give it. I just want you to find what's best for you. Even if it isn't us.

Hmm.. I am a little bit early for my weekly post. =P Anyway... I have a month left for school and then graduation! Hooray! But first, I must finish all exams. I am done with my Pharmacy Tech class and thank you Lord I got a B for my final grade. Today was the certification/license exam for it and I feel good about it. I guess I passed =) Tomorrow there will be another exam but this time it's at the university. It's just a placement exam so I shouldn't be pressured..or too pressured. LOL. Once tomorrow is done, the rest of my days should go like a breeze and then exams again. AP exams are fast approaching but then again, hopefully, I get a 3 for each or higher so I could save some time and money from the uni credits. Money is always the issue. (N) I figured that I really despise becoming a nurse! I have no idea why. I think because I have a stubborn and headstrong attitude towards becoming a neurosurgeon and pursuing neuroscience as my major is all hell bent for me at this moment. I spoke to this one lady named Angela who is graduating in 3 weeks from med school and she did neuro too. She told me that it is 16 years to become a neurosurgeon and so she kinda swayed her ambition a little bit but almost same as before. It is a tedious kind of major and it requires determination and patience. I think I have both so I will be fine. K.. why does it all have to be school that I mention all the time? Ahh.. because other than this I have nothing else to say or blabber about.

Mei got me addicted to surveys haha! Hi Meng IMY na!

1. Where's your bestfriend?
- probably essaying

2. Who is she with?
- by herself or with tita and tito

3. What time is it?
- 1:46 am

4. Who is the last person you kissed?
- Paul

5. Where's your school?
- Chicago

6. Were you ever a stalker?
- once! lol.. for this one kid me and my other friend used to have a crush on
..fun times..

7. Who were you stalking?
- this Bulgarian kid Ibraim

8. Taken?
- nope. single but not available.

9. By who?
- none

10. Are you bored?
- not really

11. What sport do you play?
- sports*- soccer, vball, badminton, karate, TKD, sotfball

12. Anyone you're mad at?
- none

13. Are you drunk?
- no

14. When's your summer class starting?
- hmm.. 2nd week of June?

15. Do you play softball?
- used to... but didnt really like it

16. Are you depressed?
- no.. not at the moment?.. i have episodic depression

17. Are you friends with your ex?
- yes

18. Who's your favorite actress?
- hmm.. i dont know exactly..

19. What's your favorite movie?
- Tears of the Sun... ahmm.. Saving Private Ryan. ( i love war movies)

20. How old is your boyfriend/girlfriend?
- have none

21. How old are you?
- soon to be 19

22. Where's your mother?
- in their room sleeping

23. Your brother?
- sleeping beside me

24. Do you have a sister-in-law?
- no

25. How are you?
- im alright

26. Jockers are so X(, right?
- i dont know what jockers are

27. Do you like Harry Potter?
- Yesss

28. Do you dislike anyone right now?
- i might

29. Do you like anyone right now?
- yes

30. Do you LOVE anyone right now?
- Yes

31. Does his name start with M?
- no

32. Do you enjoy watching Gossip Girl?
- i hate it

33. Who did you last talk to?
- ate ira

34. What did you say?
- im going to do this survey

35. Did you go shopping today?
- no

36. Are you heart broken?
- yes

37. Ever two timed?
- no

38. Bad gurl?
- no

39. Do you still like Chris Brown?
- No

40. Jenny Humphrey is beautiful. True or False?
-false cause i dont like her *jajajaj*


Random fact: The best ice cream flurries in the world is the one that I buy from the ice cream truck that passes by my house. <3

It's not Adieu this time.

I'll be back! =)

-Andrea-

I do not really know how I am going to start this update. I really thought that I am fine now after all the contemplation I have done. Actually, I am not. I miss Paul dearly. If I could just turn back time and take every single thing I said back inside my head, refine it, and say it again. If I will be given another chance to talk to him again and meet him... I think I will change the way we were introduced.. I will change my attitude towards him.. set it on the right foot... start as friends and be friends until time decides of what will become of us. If I could just do all of that.. but I can't. Paul if you're reading this.. which i think you are not but still... I hope we could set things straight and be friends again. I am not happy that we never really talked again for some months now. I have so much questions.. if's and but's.. why's and how's.. I can't answer them myself.. I need help. I hate asking you please this..please that... and more please. I always seem to beg for something and I hate it. But anyway.. How are you? I know you said your life is repetitive, but I am sure there will be something new once in a while. How's work... school... how's life?
Last night I wanted to call cause I wanted to hear your voice. As usual, I brokedown again but this time I was crying inside so no one sees. I have been like this for a couple months... I am hopeless, am I not? You affected me so much.. and you are still affecting me somehow.. wait.. not somehow but greatly. I dream about you but they are all sad dreams.. You were always leaving in my dream..sometimes you had your back on me.. sometimes you smile and you leave.. and then I cry..always like that. Sometimes I wish I never met you, but if i hadn't, then my life would be less interesting. Do you agree? I miss you dearly. I really do.


..They say bad things happen for a reason.But no wise words will stop the bleeding...coz you've moved on and im still grieving..and when a heart breaks.. no.. it doesnt break even.. im barely breathing..

-Andrea-

Today is another day that I should be thankful to God. Last night my Aunt Elen in the Philippines called and she was crying. She told us that all nine of my cousins and two uncles almost died from drowning. They were all saved and I thank God for that. I couldn't believe the news and I just can't stop myself from shaking even after calling them and knowing that they were all alright. I cried while talking to them. I miss them specially my cousins. We all grew up together and they are my closest friends. The feeling of loosing all of them at the same time just scared me very much. Thank God they are all alive. I spent all night tossing and turning in my bed wondering and thinking about them. I am calmed now but the withdrawal from the two large latte's I had last night has taken its effect on me. Anyway, like I said, they are all safe and sound now. =)

It's been a week or so that I have posted something here. Considering that it is still spring break I should be relaxing. I am relaxed but all of this week I just studied and I am still studying. I am just taking a break from it. =P I will share something random right now. Every time I dream, my dream always helps me in finding the answer to something or sometimes it is a foreshadow of what is coming. I have few dreams that I remember right now...

Dream 1: "The Beautiful Baby Boy with Green Eyes: My Son"
I dreamt about a beautiful baby boy for about 5 times in the same year ( last year). At first I was scared cause I thought that I am gonna get pregnant! But then I told myself that I cant and I wont because it is not yet in my list of plans for the future. I continued dreaming about this baby and every time I dream I would only focus on looking at his eyes. His eyes were green. The most significant dream from the 5 dreams I had that I could vividly remember was the last one. I actually saw myself being in the delivery room giving birth. The baby came out and the doctor gave him to me. He was beautiful. He has the most gorgeous green eyes I have ever yet seen in my life. He has the most beautiful face I have ever touched. I was really happy. The feeling of motherhood rushed over me... but then it was dream. I woke up and I touched my stomach.. "I was dreaming.." I went back to sleep and dreamt another dream. Interpretation? Well the baby signified a new challenge in my life which could be because of school, family or a new relationship. The numerous times that I have seen the baby's green eyes meant that I always think about a certain person with green eyes ( Paul is the only one I knew with green eyes back then and I have always thought about him and until now but not so much..not as much) The color of the eyes could also mean money or greed. As soon as I learned about these interpretations I became less and less scared. I am not gonna be a mother soon.. phew! Thank God I wont.

Dream 2: "My Grandfather and My Falling Tooth"
I dreamt about this last year too. I was awaken by my mother's cries in the middle of the night; my grandpa has passed away because of cancer. I woke up crying too and I did not really know why. My mom told us what happened and I remembered my dream. It was very short. My grandpa, and my tooth falling. Interpretation? My family believes in superstitions. A falling tooth means death. When I saw my grandpa in my dream and my tooth fell, I knew already what was going to happen. Rest In Peace now my grandpa.. I love you very much and I miss you!

Dream 3: "My Bestfriend's Wedding"
Now this dream took place just last December while I was in Canada. I visited my bestfriend for a week after seven years of not seeing each other. I wonder how I could remember the dream ever so clearly. It was her wedding day and I would say that we were already at the wedding reception. I came up to her and Tyler ( the groom) and talked to them. Conversationally, this is what I said: "The two of you, love each other like there is no more tomorrow. Tyler, take care of Charmaine. I love both of you. Have babies soon! hahah! I want to be an Aunt already. I am giving you these plane tickets for your honeymoon trip to Europe. I picked 3 countries. Germany, because I know you, Tyler, that you'd love to visit Germany so bad ever since. France, so MeiMei could go shopping at the shopping capital of the world, Paris. Russia, last but not the least. I picked Russia as the third country because this is where I wanted to go but not all by myself. Enjoy every moment that you'd spend with each other forever. Cherish each others existence. I love you both. Be happy eternally. " I was very happy for Charmaine an Tyler in that dream. I was going to walk away and let them be but Tyler said something. "How about you? When are you gonna be happy again Andrea? It has been 12 years since...." Tyler said. I knew what he said and I understood it. I turned around and there he was. Paul was behind me. I woke up. Interpretation? I am not sure. This could be something in the future. I will be happy for Mei and Ty if they do get married. As for me.. I dont see the part of my dream, where the focus was on me, happening. I am alright.

Dream 4: "My Bestfriends Wedding 2"
It is funny how I had a second dream for this one after a couple of months after. I dreamt about the exact same thing, only that it was extended. The whole exact scenario happened and whatever happened after that, I cant remember clearly. Some parts of it I could remember was the saddest one. Charmaine finally spoke in this dream. She told me that Paul was behind me and I should talk to him. I told Mei that I still have a surgery to perform in a couple of hours and I have to prepare for it. And so I hugged Mei and Tyler really tight and then walked away after looking at Paul in a very calm manner. I even smiled and nodded. I walked to my car of which, if I can vaguely remember, was grey. A grey sports car. I went inside and as soon as I held onto the steering wheel, I broke down. Little did I know that Paul followed me. He knocked on the car window... and I woke up. Interpretation? Again, I am not sure. But then it is just a continuation of my previous dream.

My dreams might serve as warnings, foreshadows... but no one could tell about the future really. Even if everything for me is planned already at the moment. I panned to enroll myself at the nursing school of the university to get my BSN and then take a year for masters to get to the highest level for nursing. After that I will go ahead and study for neuro at a nice med school, supporting myself from the salary I will make as a nurse. Working and studying. That is how my life will be for the next decade and then become known and successful, finally helping my family better.

Blueprint of my life, you could say, eh?


Meanwhile.. here's 25 random facts about me.
1. I am scared of riding bikes cause I do not know how to turn.   
2. I wear so many grey, black, and purple shirts when my fave colour is GREEN
3. I had to repeat saying the Ku Klux Klan before I was able to pronounce it properly.
4. My feet is bigger than my AP Chem teacher's feet. LOL
5. I got locked up inside the bathroom for hitting my cousin in the head with a can. =P
6. I did a flying kick in first grade and landed on my butt. 
7. The Hebrew script on my screen name means "I am Iron". I want it as my first tattoo
8. My industrial piercing lasted only for 2 months after my dad made me take it off. -sigh-
9. I can only get attracted to a particular set of eyes. 
10. I kicked my school bus driver right in the nose during 4th grade
11. The first time I had sushi was last December at 168
12. I hate MILEY CYRUS! She cant fucking sing! 
13. I was speechless after seeing Bi Rain at the Incheon Intl Airport in Korea. <3
14. I used to have a fro.
15. My fave flower is a yellow rose.
16. I cant do DDR
17. I beat up a black belt in TKD once and she called me a cheater. HELLZ NOO DOOD!     aaaah beat yo ass fair and square!
18. One time, because I wanted to go ride the roller coaster, I told the theme park guy that I was 13 but a midget thats why I was short. (Japan days)
19. I was trying to catch this one airport guy's attention and I tripped..face first.
20. When I was little, my aunts used to call me DeaLight because I laugh when I see the lightbulb. I had slight jaundice as a baby.. so i was like a chick being incubated.
21. I have a mole inside my ears, beneath my left eye, middle of my nose, and lower lip. they said that if you have a mole near one of you senses, you must be good at listening ( mole by ear), smell (by nose), seeing ( eyes) and speaking( lips).. and yet.. i lack all of them
i lack the "being good at listening, watching, speaking, smelling stuff" CRAP
22. Im scared of clowns
23. I havent had soda for more than 7 yrs
24. My fave ice cream is Chocolate chip cookie dough
25. My bed sheet covers are blue


Adieu
-Andrea-

It has been a while since my last post here. I have been really busy and tired for the past couple of weeks and writing here just seemed like an extra load. Now that I finally have time to do so, I would. =)

Alright. So about two weeks ago I had an argument with my mom about the same thing over and over. I was studying day and night to pass all of my midterm exams and to prepare for the city science fair competition. Both of this ( the exams and science fair) happened in the same week. My mother told me that to be smart is not enough to prove that I am a good daughter. Sometimes I question myself, why does my mother get mad when I study like there is no tomorrow? Is it not for the benefit of all of us when that one day comes and I am already a successful neurosurgeon? She wants me to do the chores and I said I would. When I did not do it as fast as she wanted me to do it she got mad. I told here I would finish studying first then I will do the chores. Arguments erupted right there and then. I felt like I was alone. My dad sympathizes with my mother all the time and so I decided to just bottle everything up but this was a bad idea. During the exam week I was in a very bad mood and even innocent people suffer from my anger. I actually yelled at a classmate for the stupidest reason. I cried when I got home. The next day was the first day of the science fair. Even then, I carried my anger with me that was still bottled up inside. My friend Slavi dropped me off back at my house. The moment my dad saw me he asked me right away why I was like that to my mom. Why I was like that to my mom? What in the world did I do? I did not even raise my voice. I was just looking down and crying at my own misery. I reasoned out to my dad and told him that I will not say sorry because I was not at fault this time and that my mom needs to know when she is suppose to be the one to apologize. Although, in the end, I was the one to put the white flag down and approached my mom. After that, everything was ok again in the house. Moving on to life in school.... I am doing better I think. I have one C left and the rest are A's and B's. I did not win any cash prize at the science fair but I managed to snag a silver award. The science fair was not really very fun. The fun part was being with one of my nicest friends, Slavi. He picked me up and drove me back home during those science fair days. I do not know why, but I think I am crushing on Slavi little by little everyday. It seems like I am always glad to see him whenever I do. I talk about him a lot too. I just feel good when he is around. He is my prom date too! wow.. Life is really a rollercoaster, you do not know when it is uphill or downhill, everything is just a surprise and a jolt of a heartbeat. At this moment, the only problem I have is about my tuition fee for college which was estimated to be 26K a year. Where am I going to get that amount? My parents do not make a lot and so I would have to work 2 jobs from AM to PM so I could save up enough money to support my miscellaneous expenses and not ask my parents for more. It is already a burden to them to ask for my tuition fee. At least, i should handle the rest. The little things. I hope that I could get the scholarships I applied for.

There is HOPE

A-dieu

-Andrea-