I feel like writing again. By the way, I just finished watching Lovers in Paris. It was so funny to watch it over again since I knew the ending plus the fact that I didn't like how it ended. It was still such a nice love story, though. The whole story was touching and it made me cry buckets again. It inspired me to write a sentimental note like this. Funny how someone left me a message on Facebook right when I was watching that part where I suddenly thought of him. I asked him if he just came home from work. He said he was about to sleep in 5 minutes because he has to work early tomorrow. He said that he will be home early tomorrow so he should be online again. I asked for us to talk and have a real conversation. I missed him a lot but I don't know why i do. Sometimes I will be just fine doing my own thing and getting myself busy with schoolwork. Now that school is over for me (high school), I have nothing else to do but read the new books that my dad bought for me. Still, even with that to "confuse" me for a little while, I still cannot stop thinking of him. I guess, if I may say it again, I miss him so much because he was, and still is, my biggest WHAT IF. He was neither just a friend, or somebody more than a friend. I am stuck on him. I even had the weirdest thought that someday I know he will end up with me. It sounds so stalker-ish and scary but truth be told, I am only one hopeless romantic. Like Vivienne in Lovers In Paris. She is so courageous and strong. She kept it all inside her and gave up things to be with the one she loves. I would do the same if he asks me to. Well, maybe not give everything up, but most of it, I will. What am I suppose to do? It has been a while and seems like I am so desperate. Maybe I am desperate. There were so many of my friends that told me I should forget, but I just can't do it like how easy they said it. It is so painful when those days for longing comes specially when I am by myself. When a certain music plays, or the same name that he has gets heard by me, I just freeze in silence and reminisce about what little memories I had with him. Those little memories are the things that helps me keep my head up. Tell you what, I always look at whatever few pictures we had and the funny birthday video Charmaine recorded when I surprised him with his first home-baked cake that I specially made for him. Those times were fun. I wish for more memories with him. Sometimes I just feel like flying to Brampton so unexpectedly just to ask him if we could walk around the neighborhood and along the streets once again. I just like the feeling of being near him. He smells good, he is so tall, and I feel really safe and secure when I am with him. He is that one guy I would trust my life with. I just hope that it was just like yesterday when we started talking. He was sweeter, nicer, more likable I should say, fun and cooler to talk to. If it was better to have had him only as a stranger to me, I wouldn't mind just as long as I could talk to him again as freely as I did before. I want to be able to share the best and worst things with him. I want to know how he feels. I want him to tell me if he ate good lunch. I want to know what makes him smile. I want to be the one that will make him smile. I want to hear him call me Babe again. I miss it so much. I miss him so much. Paul, I miss you very very much. If starting off as friends and me not assuming anything, who knows what I would give for all of that. Tonight, I cried tons of tears because of the Korean drama that I watched, but half of the time I was imagining how hurtful it was not to see you and for someone else to be with you. I wont call it stupidity and ambiguous imagination anymore. I just really miss you like what I have always told you. I just do... for all of the weirdest things, for all of the funniest memories , and for all of the saddest reasons. A woman shouldn't say that she will wait for the guy, but I will until you tell me to stop. I'll wait until you realize I am hurt, full of guilt, and still wondering what could have been or would be if you just come to me.. If in a decade we meet again, what would are reactions be? A decade... it wont be too long.

I am going to read my book now. Tomorrow night, I hope that we can talk. You told me you will be home early and you would go online. Pathetic as it may sound, online messaging is the only way I could reach you. I am happy with that one last thing... at least there is something left. 

 

Shut me out completely, 
That would not be such a sin.
Lock up every entry, 
Make sure that there’s no way for me to get in
Won’t try to pry them open, 
Never mind knock upon your doors.
Truth is that there’s no reason for me to even see your face anymore.

But I need your ears and I need them now I’ve got something to say, 
I’m not here today to win you back just to remind you that.

Sure as the rain starts to fall, 
Yes I’ll always remember you dear.
And though we don’t talk anymore. 
I was crazy for you; yes I was crazy for you, that’s for sure. 

Nothings ever easy, I think we both know that it’s true.
I was convinced you loved me, and I was pretty sure that I loved you too, 
When was our final moment whats your favourite might have beens. 
When was my fatal error that changed the way you thought of me ever since. 

Cos I made you smile and I made you laugh, i made nice gestures and surprised you enough?
But I made you come, but I made you cry, 
I wish this was true but I’m not gonna lie. 

So sure as the rain starts to fall, 
Yes I’ll always remember you close
And though we don’t touch anymore. 
I was crazy for you; I’m still crazy for you, that’s for sure. 
Still crazy for you, still crazy for you, still crazy for you 

Goodnight Paul