Nobody reads my blog anyway so I am just gonna pour in everything.

It has almost been a month since I wrote something here. I was busy doing things here and there that this is the only time I am updating my blog. Prom was last Friday and all of us had a blast. It was really fun, mind you, it really was. Although, that kind of fun did not stop me from feeling that certain nostalgia of missing Paul. I just cannot make it out of myself on why I cannot forget him no matter what I do or who I am with. It is just that every time I look at my prom date all I can picture was Paul's face. I cannot stop wishing it was him that I was with. I have said so many times, I am "finally" moving on and forgetting him would be easy as a breeze. No. I could not forget him, I just can't but I do not know why. My wishful thinking has reached beyond its capacity and I think I am getting delusional. I feel pathetic and sorry for myself. I know I can do better than this, but I am so much in denial about the truth. ANDREA WAKE UP CAUSE ITS OVER! IN FACT THERE WAS NOTHING FROM THE START! I daydream that one day he will come and surprise me by telling me that he will never leave and that he will just stay here with me. At this point of time, I wish that I am a colder kind of person. I wish I was the one that could just care less about the world and beyond so that I wont hurt like this. The audacity of reality just doesn't dawn on me quite fervently. If I would make myself delete all the pictures we had, I am just gonna make a fool out of myself because I know that all of my files here on my laptop can be recovered as fast as I have deleted them. I do not want to be hypocritical and so I would much rather just keep them, but at times when I miss the old times, I go back and flicker thru those happy pictures or at least the pretend happy pictures. Is it not ridiculous? Someone told me that when I meet another guy, maybe even better, as tall, or having greener colored eyes, I will "change" emotions in a snap. True that that may happen, but right now it seems so impossible. I came home feeling alright, then right when I sat down to check mails, I just felt that depression pang again. I was alone in the house and so I guess I just felt lonely. I tried sleeping it off, but when I woke up it was all the same. I tried working out cause then maybe I will forget, again, I failed. I have no idea to whom should I share what I am feeling right now. I am scared of judgements and unfair imposes. I am graduating on Friday and after that the bigger world will open its doors on me. If I continue to be like this, my survival does not stand a chance. I hope for the better things.


As much as I want to forget you... I just can't.